Wednesday, 14 April 2010

What's been said cannot be unsaid

He asked me why I hadn’t said something sooner.

I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. I was determined to not say anything until all my thoughts were in order and I knew what I wanted to say, instead of blurting them out like some kind of idiot.

I said that I hadn’t said anything before because I didn’t know how to put it. I didn’t know how to say how I was feeling. I didn’t really know what I was feeling.

He said he was sorry that he’d been miserable lately, that it was a horrible atmosphere at work because of the impending move and he didn’t realise he was bringing it home with him.

I said I didn’t even know if that was what the problem was.

He said that I meant the world to him and that he just wants me to be happy.

I said that I knew that.

He asked me if I wanted space. He could go and stay at his parent’s house for a couple of days because they’re away at the moment. No-one would need to know.

I said no. I didn’t think it was fair for him to have to leave for a few days when it was me that had the problem.

There was silence for a long time.

I asked him what he was thinking.

He said he’d never have asked me if I was ok if he knew what I was going to say.

He said that there were a couple of options. We break up now or we wait and see if things improve.

I didn’t know what to say. He was taking it so calmly. He didn’t seem overly upset and he didn’t seem angry. He didn’t ask why. He didn’t ask if there was someone else. He was eerily quiet.

He said he would try and stop being stressed about work and bringing it home with him.

I said, again, that I didn’t even know if that was what the problem was. Because I don’t know what the problem is. I said I just had a feeling that things weren’t right. Something wasn’t fitting into place.

I said “What are we supposed to do now?” Were we supposed to just ignore what I’d just said and carry on with some false sense of gaiety and pretend that everything was ok? If someone says they’re not happy and they’re not sure why then what more else is there to say?

He said, “Well for a start I can go and put on the tea.”

...

...

And today was the first morning in over a year that he didn’t say goodbye when he left for work.

14 comments:

mooncalf said...

((HUGS)))

I hope you work out what is making you unhappy and how to re-happy yourself either together or on your own.

Good luck!

Ana said...

Poor you, poor Boy. Stay together, work through it, it might take a while but it will be worth it. Tell your heart to ignore past Casanovas - they are only out to impress with sword swishing and tight trousers ;¬) Big hug. Oh, and if you can't find words out loud, try writing a letter, it's worked for me. And yes, good luck.

Flitterbee said...

:(

J said...

Oh my, what a situation you've found yourself in.

Were you and the boyfriend happy together before you found out about this old flame being 'available' & 'in a better place'?

If it hurt like hell when the boyfriend walked out of the flat this morning without saying goodbye, that maybe is a good indicator as to how you feel deep down.

Why did you fall for the boyfriend in the first place? Can that be rekindled?

Usually the ones who are quiet and calm, and say that they just want you to be happy are genuinely decent guys. He's probably tearing himself up inside and frightened that you're gonna leave him. And, unless he's got a really close mate to talk to, he'll keep his hurt to himself. Men aren't very good at sharing their feelings.

I'm waffling on here and I'm no relationship expert.

Perhaps writing things down would help you make sense of what's really wrong.

Be strong. ((HUG))

James said...

*hugs*, because it sounds like you need it.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

Awww...I'm sorry. Relationships bite don't they? I, myself, find that I don't do very good anymore in relationships. And the last guy that said the 'r' word? Well...he didn't last long after that. A little voice inside my head said 'don't do it...RUN!!!' Another 'r' word. Huge hugs

Heather said...

Ohhh :(
(((((hugs)))))

Kelly said...

Oh dear! Sorry to hear things have come to a head so soon. I'm sure things will work out! If you want to chat, feel free to E Mail me I have been in much the same situation xxx

Anna said...

Oh god, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I can't offer any advice - my boyfriend and I have these conversations sometimes, and one of these days it might stick.

I know how this stuff can eat at you, and maybe it should - I'm certainly not saying you should try to sweep it under the rug - but don't stop yourself from being happy. 'Cuz I know what I'm like if I've had a discussion like this: when I start enjoying myself, I'll feel guilty and squish it as soon as I can.

Itch2stitch.com said...

Oh no!, That is so awful for you, and him too. Sometimes though things are said,a nd such a terrible feeling comes between you and fill the space, but then in a few days it sorts itself out! I hope it does for you both, I really do. It shows how much feeling there is there, because you were so upset when he didnt say goodbye. Him being calm and quiet doesnt mean he doesnt care, men just handle things differently sometimes. You reall need to talk or try in someway to explore each others feelings. Big enormous hugs to you. suzie xxx

Maddi Makes... said...

Oh chicken, so sorry. I agree with all of the above and writing it down either to clear your own head (so you can maybe attempt to make things clearer for the boy later) or write him a letter. good luck and stay strong xxx

The Curious Cat said...

Oh dear...oh dear... I'm not sure what to say... He's being calm but I promise you he is not feeling that inside...he's trying to be calm in order to keep control and ride the situation through to a good outcome rather than cause a nuclear war that will uncompletely destroy the balance...but I reckon it can only last so long... shit hon, where did all this come from? Things were going so well from previous posts back like a few months ago... You need to work out what you want and decide if he is what you want. You need to be brutally honest with yourself... How would you feel without him? Write it all down, talk to some close friends...seek their opinions and counsel...and you'll arrive at a decision/solution soon enough xxx

Taz said...

One day at a time hon (((hugs)))

notesfromthefrugaltrenches.com said...

(((hugs)))

hopefully your weekend away will help!