What's been said cannot be unsaid

He asked me why I hadn’t said something sooner.

I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. I was determined to not say anything until all my thoughts were in order and I knew what I wanted to say, instead of blurting them out like some kind of idiot.

I said that I hadn’t said anything before because I didn’t know how to put it. I didn’t know how to say how I was feeling. I didn’t really know what I was feeling.

He said he was sorry that he’d been miserable lately, that it was a horrible atmosphere at work because of the impending move and he didn’t realise he was bringing it home with him.

I said I didn’t even know if that was what the problem was.

He said that I meant the world to him and that he just wants me to be happy.

I said that I knew that.

He asked me if I wanted space. He could go and stay at his parent’s house for a couple of days because they’re away at the moment. No-one would need to know.

I said no. I didn’t think it was fair for him to have to leave for a few days when it was me that had the problem.

There was silence for a long time.

I asked him what he was thinking.

He said he’d never have asked me if I was ok if he knew what I was going to say.

He said that there were a couple of options. We break up now or we wait and see if things improve.

I didn’t know what to say. He was taking it so calmly. He didn’t seem overly upset and he didn’t seem angry. He didn’t ask why. He didn’t ask if there was someone else. He was eerily quiet.

He said he would try and stop being stressed about work and bringing it home with him.

I said, again, that I didn’t even know if that was what the problem was. Because I don’t know what the problem is. I said I just had a feeling that things weren’t right. Something wasn’t fitting into place.

I said “What are we supposed to do now?” Were we supposed to just ignore what I’d just said and carry on with some false sense of gaiety and pretend that everything was ok? If someone says they’re not happy and they’re not sure why then what more else is there to say?

He said, “Well for a start I can go and put on the tea.”

...

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And today was the first morning in over a year that he didn’t say goodbye when he left for work.