Thank you

I am without doubt my own worst critic. There isn't a single person out there who could say something horrible to me that I won't have already come up with myself.

I've spent a lot of time over the past week questioning whether or not there is something wrong with me. Seriously how was this guy not making me happy? He could go down in the record books as the most perfect boyfriend ever - how was this not enough for me?

I went away this past weekend, we've both been living in the flat since last Tuesday, which has been uncomfortable to say the least.

It was only while I was away that I realised how not happy I have been. Things weren't terrible with the boyfriend at all and I certainly wasn't unhappy, there was just that niggle. This weekend that niggle was set free and I remembered what it was like to be me again. I hadn't noticed I wasn't being me, I think it had been so gradual, but I could feel me slowly returning and now that that niggle has gone it's actually quite relieving.

Mainly however I've been feeling incredibly guilty about my decision to end things. If ever there was a person who didn't deserve to have their heart broken, it was him.

I spoke to my brother on the phone on Sunday afternoon. I told him that I felt really guilty for doing this to him. He said I shouldn't feel guilty - I was just doing what felt right and then he said something which kind of shocked me. He said he was proud of me.

It's not what you expect to hear when you're pretty sure everyone's in agreement that you fail at life.

But he persisted. He has a failed marriage behind him and he said he wished he'dd been brave enough to leave, rather than hanging on and hoping that things would get better when he knew deep down that nothing was going to change.

The conversation left me feeling much better, maybe I shouldn't keep beating myself up?

And then along came you lovely people and all of you said the same thing. It made me ridiculously emotional (which isn't hard at the moment admittedly but still). When my brother said it I thought it was just a sibling love kind of thing, but there you all were, echoing his sentiments. (And I'm assuming he didn't tell you all to say that stuff to me.)

Reading all your comments, I felt my confidence slowly beginning to be restored. I did make the right decision and, you know what? I was brave, it did take a lot of courage to stand up and say "This isn't right", something my boyfriend knew, but wasn't prepared to face.

Yes I do still feel guilty, it's hard not to. I don't' want to hurt people, I want to amke them happy and it's a horrible feeling knowing you've broken someone's heart. But I also recognise that I have to be happy too and sacrificing your own happiness to serve someone else's is not they way to go.

So thank you bloggy people. Thank you from the bottom of my little black withered heart :)