Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Thank you

I am without doubt my own worst critic. There isn't a single person out there who could say something horrible to me that I won't have already come up with myself.

I've spent a lot of time over the past week questioning whether or not there is something wrong with me. Seriously how was this guy not making me happy? He could go down in the record books as the most perfect boyfriend ever - how was this not enough for me?

I went away this past weekend, we've both been living in the flat since last Tuesday, which has been uncomfortable to say the least.

It was only while I was away that I realised how not happy I have been. Things weren't terrible with the boyfriend at all and I certainly wasn't unhappy, there was just that niggle. This weekend that niggle was set free and I remembered what it was like to be me again. I hadn't noticed I wasn't being me, I think it had been so gradual, but I could feel me slowly returning and now that that niggle has gone it's actually quite relieving.

Mainly however I've been feeling incredibly guilty about my decision to end things. If ever there was a person who didn't deserve to have their heart broken, it was him.

I spoke to my brother on the phone on Sunday afternoon. I told him that I felt really guilty for doing this to him. He said I shouldn't feel guilty - I was just doing what felt right and then he said something which kind of shocked me. He said he was proud of me.

It's not what you expect to hear when you're pretty sure everyone's in agreement that you fail at life.

But he persisted. He has a failed marriage behind him and he said he wished he'dd been brave enough to leave, rather than hanging on and hoping that things would get better when he knew deep down that nothing was going to change.

The conversation left me feeling much better, maybe I shouldn't keep beating myself up?

And then along came you lovely people and all of you said the same thing. It made me ridiculously emotional (which isn't hard at the moment admittedly but still). When my brother said it I thought it was just a sibling love kind of thing, but there you all were, echoing his sentiments. (And I'm assuming he didn't tell you all to say that stuff to me.)

Reading all your comments, I felt my confidence slowly beginning to be restored. I did make the right decision and, you know what? I was brave, it did take a lot of courage to stand up and say "This isn't right", something my boyfriend knew, but wasn't prepared to face.

Yes I do still feel guilty, it's hard not to. I don't' want to hurt people, I want to amke them happy and it's a horrible feeling knowing you've broken someone's heart. But I also recognise that I have to be happy too and sacrificing your own happiness to serve someone else's is not they way to go.

So thank you bloggy people. Thank you from the bottom of my little black withered heart :)


Anna said...

I, too, am adjusting to living without a boy. You've been brave, and I know your bravery will be rewarded. Not necessarily by anyone, or anything; but stepping out of your comfort zone merely pushes back the boundaries. When people say these things make you stronger, they're right.

jane said...

Absolutely right that sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's is not the way to go - and it's also not possible that he would have been happy in the long run, if you weren't, either. That's such good and true advice that your brother gave you. I know how the living together until it's feasible to do otherwise goes, and it's just horrible horrible horrible - that shift which occurs in the way you're interacting, and the way you sometimes catch him looking at you in a completely unfamiliar way, and find yourself doing the same. The way the flat suddenly feels so incredibly small. I really know what you mean and I hope it's not for too long.
'All shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well'. It's true.

Petit Filoux said...

That's what we're here for :-)
Glad your brother said that to you too, it's true. Good luck with getting the flat stuff sorted out, i can only imagine what a pain it may be, but it'll be worth it if you feel happy in the end. And the ex will thank you for it in the long run, so don't feel guilty xx

Heather said...

It does take an awful lot of courage to end something that's not right.

I'm glad that you're beginning to feel a bit more "you" again, that's so important.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better as well :) xxx

ana said...

If your BF was as lovely as he sounds no wonder you feel guilty - I certainly would and at the same time I would want to help him get over it (which obviously wouldn't really work out). But the main thing is that things weren't right and now you've taken a step in the right direction. You are very very brave, and you should be proud of yourself.
And hey, my word verification is "irock" and so do you!

The English Writer said...

It is hard, and it does hurt, even if you're the one who finally said it, but life does move forward, and the guilt will pass - you know you did the right thing, and you are brave x

em said...

I just wanted to pipe up and say i think you are brave, for leaving when you start to feel like it definitely isn't right. Its the hardest thing to do - I waited and waited with my ex and feel like I wasted 4 years whilst the relationship got so bad I had to leave. If I had left when my doubts started I would be a much stronger person.

But I have found someone, who isn't in any way perfect, but doesn't make me feel like I am missing out......that person is out there for you. xo

Smiffy's Blog said...

You old softy, what are we going to do with you! Pleased you have stopped beating yourself up. Besides, if he's that wonderful he'll be snapped up in no time! You keep watering that heart and it will be pink and plump again in no time hun. Sue x x x

P said...

I definitely think you've been brave. Better to end it, than string it out. Hope you are okay. If you want to come up to Glasgow and escape for a day or two, let me know. :)

fuelforbodyandsoul said...

ana said "If your BF was as lovely as he sounds no wonder you feel guilty - I certainly would and at the same time I would want to help him get over it (which obviously wouldn't really work out)."

I had an ex who decided that it was my duty to help me get over it... and yeah, it didn't work!

I understand that you would want to make him happy and not hurt him but if you'd stayed with him for that reason then you'd have ended up hurting him anyway, just further into the future when you both had more invested.

Diane said...

I too felt very guilty leaving my 1st hubby - even though he had been having an affair!! The problem is by the time you leave, you have distanced yourself from the relationship, they have not had the time. You would have been short changing him if you had stayed with him feeling as you do - that would have been worse. Its a crap time though xxxxxxx

Itch2stitch.com said...

You see, you should always listen to your blog Mum (still grateful to you that you didn't call me your blog Gran!) and all these other wonderful and wise people! You are a lovely, intelligent, warm, funny, witty, and unique person, of course you don't want to hurt someone, especially someone who you care about so much and is so nice to you. But, it is better than staying and making it even worse. because if its not right now, it will never be. There is nothing worse than built up resentment. Which it would be eventually, on your part ..for staying, and on his part, because he would know that you weren't fully there. You done the right thing, and we are all behind you! I am pleased that your brother is as wise too! Suzie xxx Oh, don't I waffle on! x

Em said...

I've been a bit caught up in my own troubles recently to do anything but skim blogs but I read back over yours today and all I can say is good for you!
It takes lots of courage to face up to a situation like you have without the added stress of actually doing something about it, so good for you for doing it!!
I was in a similar situation in my first marriage where I knew I didn't love my husband and knew he felt the same about me, but it took him making the move to end our relationship for me to realise it was for the best, after the initial 'aaargh He's left me!' shock I got on with the rest of my life very quickly as did he and we're good friends these days.
Em xx

Flitterbee said...

I know I don't tend to offer much more than a smiley face most of the time, but along with the others, I'm here and listening and now offering my twopenneth which involves saying how my own experience has left me with the guilt of letting down a person who is so lovely and so perfect on paper and turning away from a situation that I want to have, so much, just not with the person who wants it with me. It's not easy and leaves a sense of constant doubt, because however much we want things to be, they never are black and white. Hang on in there, it'll be okay.

Trish said...

Oh I am so sorry I have been so involved with me...me me me and my move and I haven't been by to see my friends. Don't feel bad....life is a constant growing experience. And if you felt that 'niggle' then it was definitely time to move on. I am reading back posts so I am sorry but hey...you sound like you are doing better. It is sad to be sure....and even lonely. But you will be fine.

Kelly said...

Hi hun i just turned my back for a minute!!!!!

You did a very brave thing!
Last year I called off my wedding 5 weeks before the big day and it was incredibly painful but i always knew i had done the right thing! I could not be happier now so i know it will be the same for you xx

I'll be over to your new place :)