Thursday, 11 February 2010

A letter to the cleaning fairy

Dear Cleaning Fairy

Just thought I’d drop you a line, see how you’re doing because I notice that you haven’t really been around the flat much for the past week and a half.

Just yesterday I noticed that the bin is dangerously close to overflowing, the recycling bags are almost full and that dishwasher still hasn’t been emptied from 2 days ago, whilst the plates from the previous lie in disarray on the worktops. Also I can’t remember the last time you mopped the floor, I’m pretty sure that’s not hygienic.

And don’t get me started on the bathrooms. How do they get so dirty? What is that weird black fluff/dirt stuff that clings to everything? Why does the shower screen have loads of streaks on it and why is the toilet in need of a good douse of bleach? I couldn’t make it easier for you, there is bleach and that shower screen stuff right there in the bathroom under the sink. Can’t you see it? And don’t get me started on the bath, do I want to have a bath in a scum-lined tub? No I do not thank you very much. (And it is by the by that I struggle to bend down to get in the bath, that’s not the point of this letter Cleaning Fairy, the point is that it GROSSES ME OUT.)

Oh yeah and you really need to get the hoover out. I know that I’m closer to the carpet than usual, what with spending most of my time lying on it and stuff but seriously, come on, you know how much I moult.

And while we’re at it, I looked in my wardrobe today and realised that I don’t have anything to wear. Why is that? Because it’s all in the ironing basket. All of it. The basket is filled and then there’s another basket’s worth on top of that stuff. Clothes don’t iron themselves you know.

Now you know me. It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just unfortunate that all these things require you to have fairly minimal mobility in your back to carry them out and I just don’t have that at the moment. And in fact I was pretty much all sorted right up until last night when I decided I was well enough to hoover and make a start on the ironing and ended up in extreme pain. That’s your fault I hope you realise. If you did your job then I wouldn’t be in pain right now.

So I hope that everything’s cool with you and it would be great if you could make it down to the flat in the next couple of days.

Yours sincerely

The Girl

PS What’s that? You don’t exist? Well would you mind telling that to the boyfriend before I start screaming and throwing sponges and cream cleaner at him? Thanks.


bellaboo said...

Nice of you to drop by.The cleaning fairy seems to be a bit absent in this house too...along with the walking the dog fairy,the cooking and baking fairy,and the ironing fairy!

Bellaboo :)

Anonymous said...

lol cleaning fairy is alive and well in my house albeit she is me!

RE your comment, yes, sadly I did hear about FRIENDS being cancelled on E4 and Channel 4 and I instantly shed a tear and emailed a friend to complain. I mean that show never ever gets old, it is perfect for any mood. And there is nothing like knowing after a long day of work you can curl up with 2 episodes before the next piece of work begins (aka becoming the cleaning fairy!).


The Curious Cat said...

Oh dear! Oh dear! I think this letter needs to be readdressed to the boyf hmm? He's not helping ease your mind on the cleaning front much whilst you suffer... I hate when the house is a mess - you just cannot relax because you're aware of it so much! xxx

Maria♥ said...

You have an award waiting for you at my blog.


Petit Filoux said...

euh hey, what’s he been up to? Not much apparently!! You need to get him down on his knees missy!

Diane said...

Perhaps he just needs a "list". My hubby never sees what needs doing around the house, but if I write him a list, he'll merrily work down it!! I think its just the way their brains work!xxx said...

What a useless cleaning fairy! Have them sacked! Seriously though, don't worry about it, remember the great Quentin Crisp ( my hero!) said after two years the dust doesn't get any worse! I love that! suzie xxx

mooncalf said...


I'm getting all my bargain wool from Kemps

The Babette blanket is using some sock yarn from there that was only £1.20 a ball. I think they've sold out of most of the Rowan stuff now but there are some things left. They get new stuff in all the time.

Maddi Makes... said...

hahaaa four words: Story. Of. My. Life!!!

grrr boys ;-)

P said...

I really REALLY wish cleaning fairies existed.

Perhaps the tooth fairy could moonlight as one?

Florence and Mary said...

WHAAAAAT.... there's no cleaning fairy!?!?!

Victoria xx

Florence and Mary said...

I am concerned that I may never leave the sofa either!!

Victoria xx

PinkCat said...

Please can you send her down to me once you're done with her? :0) xxx

Boomka said...

I like to think of the cleaning fairy more as a muse, and she only comes to me when there is a chance that a woman is coming over my apartment and then the muse wakes up, smacks me in the face with a pan and says, "DAMN IT RICARDO CLEAN THIS SH*THOLE UP!" And I do. And it is good. Thank you.